Awareness

I know to a lot of you I sound angry, I'm actually a very positive person. I call myself a optimist, but writing this blog has made me look deeper which seems to come out angry. I think I've have just bottled these feelings up and now I'm able to freely express myself. I love my family very much and it's so hard when someone hurts them. I know people speak without thinking, we all do but I think we need to be more aware.
I think people should read about the people that committed suicide, these are peoples, sons, daughter, fathers, mothers, etc... they were important to all the people that love them. There needs to be awareness of what we are doing to these men and women. I remember a saying growing up "Sticks and stones will break my bones and names will never hurt me" wow. who ever wrote that had it all wrong. The mind is a funny thing it keeps track of everything that makes us feel bad. I still won't read in front of a group of people because of kids laughing at me when I got the word wrong and that was when I was in the 3rd grade. If I think back I can hear it so clearly as if I were there today. I can't imagine how my son feels.

Family

We have always been close as a family, but things are getting harder the older my son gets. I really can't say for sure why, but I think one reason is it's getting harder to be around the family unit. Things he feels he never have in this life. It's hard to think about prop.8 just another way to have my son feel he is hated. I know the church teaches what a family unit is, but where does that leave him? I feel so confused, I haven't been to the temple for about 7 years. There is a question they ask for your recommend that gives me conflict. I've talked to the bishop and stake president and they assure me that I'm misunderstanding the question. I hope so because I love my son and will always be by his side. I think I will be going back to the temple this week. I will always love the lord and I know my son does also.

Do Your Part

I have read this wonderful book "in quite desperation" it's pretty deep is some parts, but very well written. There are 2 parts, the first part is about Stuart Matis. What wonderful parents he had. He was one of the first I read about when I was trying to find information to comfort myself. He was such a wonderful person. He ended up committing suicide, what a sad loss not just for his family but also society. I wish I could have gotten to know him. I also wish this about my son, he holds so much back,in fearing of judgment from everyone including family. I don't judge him I just want to understand. I want him to feel safe is telling me whatever he wants to. I can't express enough how he has made me a better person, by taking the time to understand another view. I use to be so closed minded. It would have been a lot easier to be angry, then you really don't need to dig deep into your heart to see what another is going through. I still cry, but my tears are more now for him then myself.He is reminded everyday that he is different by people, books, signs etc... and not in a positive way. I can't make this go away but what I can do, is not be a part of the jokes,rude comments and let people know that they might be someone in their mist that are struggling. I hope they won't be blamed for someone taking their life, because of something they said. Remember for every 1 your "useless" comments you need 10 your a "great person" comments. It really adds up and I wouldn't want to be the last straw.

Finding Out

I know there are a lot of parents out there, just got the news their son or daughter is gay. I know the first thing you might feel is sadness, disbelief, or anger. We shouldn't feel guilty for our feelings, but we shouldn't make our children feel that we are disappointed in them. I know the first thought I had is I'm going to fix him. Most of my thoughts were out of love, I thought if I pray more, read my scriptures more, do more for others, then god would take this away. This wasn't about me. Something you parents need to understand is the torment our sons and daughters feel everyday. Do you really think they woke up and said " I think I will choose the hard life, I'm going to be gay" I don't think so. I know my son prayed for this to not be something he has to go through. I know a lot of you will continue to love your children unconditional, but for those of you that think disowning them would be the best thing to do, will then you don't deserve those children anyway. Your the ones that will miss out on the great things they will do in this life. Remember Jesus loved everyone. The most wonderful thing we can give our children is unconditional love.

My son is a 26 years old. When he was 19 he told me and my husband he was gay. I can't say I was in shock, but it was very hard. My husband has had a very hard time understanding. I know their are a lot of you out there saying just tell him to love him. Yes, easy word but hard action, when he had all these dreams of what the future would be with his only son. It had nothing to do with love, but it had everything to do with understanding. I knew the hardest thing for me is I wouldn't have grand children from him. I don't know how god and all that works out but I don't really think about that, I know god is full of understanding and love. The one think I really can't stand is the people that go to church all the time(not all people), thinks that gives them full reason to judge another human. I think I must have missed that scripture that says "Judge everyone that doesn't have the same beliefs as you, make them feel worthless and ashamed of themselves" We all have our beliefs and that is fine but don't make another feel like they are not meant to be here in this life because they are different. I think president Hinkley always tried to get everyone to see that.

Please Understand!!

This blog won't have any pictures, but will have a lot of emotion and feeling concerning my son. I'm a mother of three wonderful children, 2 daughters and one son. I'm an LDS woman (Mormon). I have enjoyed being a mom and grandparent more then words could express. My son is gay, yes all of you can say it's a choice, but obviously you don't have a gay son or daughter. I have watched my son on the edge of giving up his life to relieve the pain. I think I really understand, but I only have a small glimpse of what he is feeling. I want to take away all his pain, but that will never happen.
I'm not really sure why I writing this blog, except for some type of understanding of what these men and women are feeling, also what their family is going through. I really had no idea what "Gay" meant. When my son told me I thought it meant he wanted a sex change. My son thought I was crazy. I took upon myself to read everything I could get my hands on. I was saddened to find the heartbreak they felt from their families and society.